Sunday, December 11, 2011

Open letter to a fellow treadmill, uh, runner?

With winter setting in for the northern hemisphere, many of us are moving our workouts indoors.  Well, those of us who don't have a support crew that we occasionally, uh, need a, uh, short, period away from that causes us to occasionally have an indoor workout anyway.  I'll call a spade a spade, and admit I'm a weenie for running indoors in 40 degree weather (truthfully, my favorite is 50ish and clear) but yeah, it's for the support crew.  That's right, I'm keeping them comfortable.  Suuuuurrrreee I am......  And honestly, the whole: "He's touching me," "MAMA DAWGEE!" "He's breathing on me!" "SCREEECH!" "MOOOOMMMMMMMY, he's LOOKING at me!" wears me out more than running a half marathon in Texas heat can.

Um, so what do you do?  It's not like running faster helps much.  And I don't think that CPS would look kindly on me force feeding them cheetos to keep them happy for a two hour run.

So I move my winter workouts inside quite often.  And the cardio cinema at Gold's Gym is great.  Could you think of a better way to pass two hours than to have someone else take care of the support crew while you run on a treadmill and Indiana Jones saves the day, yet again.  I mean talk about motivation.  Could you imagine snakes and house size boulders behind you in the dark, and if you stop running or slow down, you'll get smooshed?

But this latest treadmill workout brought out something that I, thankfully, don't see very often.  So I figured I'd put it in letter form.

Dear dude on the treadmill next to me today.

1.  Axe body spray in copious amounts is not recommended before your workout.  It does not work like a magnet for the chicks to your "manliness" like the commercial says.  Please reconsider before you have to start purchasing gas masks for the people around you.

2.  The aforementioned axe body spray does not hide the fact that you are not wearing deodorant.  Yes it's gross. Yes, you need it.  Please reconsider before you come back to the gym.

3.  Sharting is real.  Yes, I can tell you did it.  No, the previously mentioned axe body spray and lack of deodorant does not hide that you (a) failed to wipe your bottom, or (b) lifted so much weight before coming over to the treadmills that you are now experiencing anal leakage.

The tears in my eyes have nothing to do with the fact that I'm so grateful that an Adonis like you had the time to run on a treadmill next to me in what you must still think is a meat market.  It has more to do with the dry heaves that your 'fragrance' has sent me into.  Frankly, I get to see people that look way better than you, and take fitness (and, to be honest, personal hygiene as well) much more seriously than you on a regular basis, but thanks again for the compliment you paid me by running on the treadmill next to the only other occupied one in the joint.  I'll remember that when I see (and attempt to avoid) you in the future.

No, please, stay where you were, I'll find another treadmill.

While we're at it, what do you want to vent about now that winter is here?


  1. GREAT~~ Thanks for that fun laugh~~ I love your "support team!" I totally agree!! I just cycle indoors and run when I can. If you have a running buddy to me I could be freezing to death, but not notice since we are so busy chatting at 05:15 am... hahah Good for you~ Sorry you had such a great INDOOR running buddy~ ;)

  2. Great story,VERY FUNNY!! Being the tougholdbuzzard that I am got me to thinking. One day while running there was a buzzard sitting on a fence post as I went by he just sat there and the wind blew his scent across the road PHEW. I thought to myself you are what you eat!! Yes I eat dead meat but I cook it first and it's not rancid. So the next time I go to the gym I will think about what you said about that guy and wear my depends with a fragrance liner just in case!!

  3. @Nursing Covers - Yeah, definitely not the normal running buddy! My usual one isn't in for the Austin marathon this year, so our training is taking a different path right now.

    @Tougholdbuzzard - Ewww! Don't remember where I heard it, but when you dry your clothes, if you throw in a clean wash cloth with a few drops of scented oil on it, this is supposed to work well for just that. It's a handy trick for workout clothes... And um... Those needing fragrance liners... LOL!